Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
