take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize