just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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