The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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