Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
