my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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