i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
