Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize