Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
handjob tips. give me some.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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