How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I want a musical about memes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
