Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
