so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
