The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
