Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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