I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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