So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
