If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
