mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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