I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
