can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
we're so committed to being not committed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
