you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
