I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
