My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
