Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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