I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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