Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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