I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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