The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
FUCK WHALES
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
