I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize