I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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