I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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