I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
