I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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