I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
