my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
