Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
