I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
