In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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