Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
