apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
honey bunches of taint.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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