Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
