Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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