Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
