I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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