Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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