I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
