Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We're too hungover to prance.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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