return my video game
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
