I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
