First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
it's like heaven, but drunker
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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