This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
