I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
