people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
