I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
