Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
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