So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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