Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize