3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
