i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
