I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
