I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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