...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
