I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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