I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
