Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
50% drunk capacity currently
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
