you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
