There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
