I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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